One Who Is Lost

So I have just had, what could quite possibly be, one of the worst weeks of my life. If you read schwa242's journal, you know that part of it that makes everything else pale in comparison, but suffice it to say that my Boston life is somehow managing to compete as a comparable emotional drain at this point (but only because it's coming from two fronts).

I just...yeah, really, I don't know. Just happy this week is over cause it sucked beyond the telling of it. There were rants and tears and more rants and more tears (some of the tears at work which is all kinds of awkwardness) and I just ... nope still don't know....

I think the problem is that on the little issues I'm too close and on the big issue I'm too remote and that may not make sense to most (if not all) of you, but there it is.

I have memories of stories but not memories of events. I have memories of impressions.... a laugh. A smile. And yeah, we may not have been in contact that much and we may not have been that close but to know...to really know that there will be no more of that laugh...no more of that smile...

OK, enough tears for this week.

The next one will be happier, I promise. But for now...well sometimes a girl needs to wallow.

'Cause I know you guys just can't get enough of these.

Anyway, last week, the boss decided he wanted to compare our weekly revenue trends to the DOW. So he has me place it in a spreadsheet then subtract this amount, multiply by this amount, shift it over by a few weeks and, I quote, "manipulate the data until it fits." And four years of science education reared back and hissed. He was so proud when a correlation showed up. I tried to tell him that if you fix the data, yeah there will be a correlation, but he didn't want to hear it. So after he left I ran a correlation test on the undoctored numbers. It was almost statistically significant, but not quite, and close just doesn't count in statistics. I think he just wants to use anything to calm himself over the fact that business sucks right now because the economy sucks right now. THere's a correlation for him.

Then, I took Friday off because my grandmother's out and she, my mom and I were going to have a girl's day. At 8:30 I wake up to our answering machine beeping away. I try to roll over and ignore it, but it's hard to ignore incessant beeping once you've been made aware of it. Sure enough, it's the office needing help finding something. SO I call in. "Oh, it's ok, we found it." "What were you looking for?" "Oh the labels we use to label the inventory." Now anybody who has read my journal can guess where they found these supplies. Yep, you got it, in the supply closet. So basically they called me sometime between 7 and 8:30 on my day off when any normal person would be asleep, to find something that should be (and was) in the first logical place to look for it. These people are too dependent, they need to grow up and learn to function on their own!!

OK, rant over.

Went to the CSU "Take Back the Night" rally and march last night. It was quite the experience. When one of the speaker's asked how many people had, or knew somebody who had been sexually assaulted 95-99% of the 150+ crowd raised their hands (yours truly included).

But what really got to me were all the testimonials. I mean this kind of thing is something I've always known about intellectually, but this really drove it home. And it drove home how very lucky I am that I do only know about it intellectually. But the worst, the absolute worst, was the number of times brothers and uncles and fathers entered into the stories. I just wanted to go home and give my dad a big ol' hug.

Nothing to say, was just playing with icons. Look what I made!!!

Oh wait, can share a funny valentine story. Checked the mail yesterday and there was a card addressed to my dad and his ex-wife. Hmmmmm. It was an anniversary card (Dad and his ex were married on Valentine's) from a rather forgetful relative. Forgetful to the point that he's sending an anniversary to a dead woman and the man who divorced her and has been married to somebody else (my mom) for almost 29 years. It's a good thing Mom has a good since of humor.

In an "eh" kind of mood of late. Just don't feel connected to anything recently. Work...it's a job. I've always had clear definitions of a job vs. a career. This is definitely just a job. Add in the fun staff turmoil that's going on and why should I bother investing anything of myself into it?

Family? Well, I'm worried about my Dad, but only moderately so as now that he's off the medication all seems well. My mom is driving me up the wall. When she's feeling lazy, I finish her work and run her errands, when I'm feeling lazy, I finish her work and run her errands. Grrrr. Doesn't exactly put me in a "bonding" mood. And I only see my brother if I stop by the coffeeshop or if he comes over to do laundry.

Friends? I've already discussed the CO friend situation way back when. Hasn't really improved. Yes there are four or five people I see on a semi-weekly basis, but we really don't connect on too much except the past. Where is the connection about here and now and even the future. Of course, that fact that my here and now is so echoingly vacuous may have something to do with that, I mean what do I have to share...work sucks, family is "eh," I'm not accomplishing anything creatively and all in all life is bland.

It's very unsettling to receive phone calls on the lines of "It's Mom, I'm in the emergency room with your Dad." Ok, so it was an allergic reaction to something and he's fine, is reacting well to treatment,will be home in a few hours, etc. But it's still unsettling and makes it exceptionally hard to concentrate on work.

I think the fact that it's just two weeks until Christmas has finally hit. The things I have to get done...!!! Not pancing quite yet, but give me time.

Company Christmas party is Friday. Schnazzy french restaurant in Berthoud of all places. How do you get a practically four-star restaurant in BERTHOUD?! Anyway, many thanks to big brother Schwa for saving me from being set up by my boss by agreeing to come with me. My boss had the "great" idea that I should be set up with one of the company's ex-employees who is currently driving one of my co-workers insane by "always being around." Not really the best promotional pitch I've heard for the set-up of a blind date. Besides, who really wants to be set-up by their boss? So many thanks, Schwa. There's actually going to be a few siblings there from what I understand. It will be interesting to meet the families of my coworkers.

Going to bake all sorts of cookies this weekend. I love baking, but my mom and I (foolishly) agreed to a cookie exchange, which means, besides the cookies I have to make for the family, I have to make 6 dozen more for the cookie exchange. Good thing I like to bake.

Also have to get out shopping. I don't think I've ever put off Christmas shopping for this long. I'll have to wait for my paycheck on Thursday and then a-shopping I will go. I have no idea what to get anybody, so we'll see how I do.

Aren't the holidays fun?

Ahhhh the end of the work day draws near. Although we didn't receive a single order today, I still accomplished quite a bit. I prepared and packed up 50 copies of our latest book and will be taking them to Mail Boxes Etc. to ship out today. I hate going there because I'm always dropping off mass quantities of stuff that they make no profit on because we already pay for it here (either with our postage meter or on our FedEx account). Guess I could work on the theory that hey, that's their job, but I still feel a touch guilty.

So now, with everything accomplished, I am fully planning on spending my last half hour goofing off on the web. Don't condemn me too much, other than "straightening up" there really is NOTHING I can be doing. No orders to fill, all the bulk mailing is done, the temp is stuffing envelopes, I've finished all my projects and everybody has left for the day so there's nobody I can assist in anything. I be done. Now I get to go home and clean...not such a bad prospect, both my car and my room desperately need it.

OH! The fax is ringing, perhaps it will be an order and I will have something to do instead of this random stream of consciousness typing.

No such luck, it's some random essay assignment for one of the women who works here. Odd.

Haven't been out and about much as of late. Last time I went out was Sunday night for coffee and pizza with friends. One friend brought her 18-month-old daughter...too cute. My mom would be happy to hear that I am beginning to waiver a bit on my "NO CHILDREN" stance. I think a large part of that is that I have found myself interested in a career I could manage. I firmly believe in raising kids yourself, sans daycare etc. It just seems to me that a lot of problems arise when parents aren't there for the kids. Don't get me wrong, my brother and I were "latch-key" kids from ages 11 and 7 respectively, but for the years before that Mom was ALWAYS around and I think that meant a lot. So, because of this belief I never wanted kids because, let's face it, I'm just too selfish to give up a large part of my life (i.e. my career) for years on end. But if I do end up becoming a journalist, hopefully I can freelance for those key years, watching the kid(s). This makes me happy because, truth be told, I do adore kids, and the thought of raising one, seeing him/her experience things for the first time, reading it all my beloved books from youth, and just having that kind of a connection with someone...

Not that I'm ready and rearing to go or anything. My mom wants grandkids ASAP, she just doesn't want me or my brother having kids anytime soon. I try to explain the inherent problem with this view, but you try using logic with my mom :oP

Guess I've rambled enough and should start closing up shop here. Enjoy your evening all and if you get the chance, get yourself hooked on West Wing...don't we wish the White House was such.

Aren't lunch breaks nice? Just an hour in the middle of the day with nothing to do. My problem is I eat at my desk in about 15 minutes so I just start working again when I'm done. I need to start utilizing the whole hour for "me time." Hence Why I'm journaling from work and really don't have much to say.
Went to the Highland festival on Saturday, IN THE SNOW! It's not even the middle of September and there was snow! You'd think this was Colorado or something. Sorry, but after 4 years in Long Island where a couple of flakes causes EVERYTHING to shut down. It was nice to be in a place where people just correctly assume that a parade and outdoor festival will continue despite several inches of snowfall. Of course the downside was it was snowing during the festival so I didn't get to do as much as I had hoped. I told my folks that we could leave early if they wanted and I'd be OK with that and for the most part I was. But I am a little upset that I missed the concert. Ever since coming back from Ireland, I've missed the trad sessions at the pubs and would have liked to sit down to some live music instead of being stuck listening to all of my Irish CDs. Ah well, I go thome to where it was warm and curled up with a good book so all was well.
Schwa242 and his partner in crime mezdeathhead came over for dinner last Friday. Lots of laughs and innuendos (Hey, sailor...). Wish they'd visit more often hint, hint, hint
Guess I should return to the reality of my job for the rest of the afternoon. Ta ta. (I hate people who say that...other than me :-P )